Never Forgotten
by OneLifeToWrite
Summary: Sam remembers Baby Lila. A Jasamily one shot. (Billy Miller as Jason)


**Never Forgotten**

 **Note:** Sam's stillborn baby would have been 13 come this Wednesday (wow! Time flies!) and I just wanted to do a little tribute to her. They really haven't addressed her history where Billy Miller's Jason is concerned, so I am trying it myself. RIP, Baby Lila.

* * *

Sam rolled over in bed, turning into the hard chest of her husband. Though it was still dark in the room, Sam could see Jason was awake and peering down at her searchingly. Seeming to sense exactly what she needed - the way he always seemed to - he slipped his arms around her waist and drew her still closer to him. He pressed an impossibly soft kiss to her left temple.

"You didn't sleep so good last night," he said.

Sam snuggled deeper into his strong embrace, resting her head against his chest, feeling the rise and fall of it, and listening attentively to the familiar, rhythmic beating of his heart against her ear.

"You're right. I didn't sleep well," Sam admitted. "Everytime I tried to close my eyes... I remembered waking up in that cold hospital room and finding out Lila was gone."

Jason rested his head against the crown of her head. "Giving you that news … Having to actually say the words 'she's gone'… It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do."

"She would have been thirteen today," Sam murmured against his shoulder. "I wonder what she would have been like."

"Oh probably a lot like her mom. Same big smile, dark hair, beautiful brown eyes… I'd bet she'd be strong, brave, and impossibly loyal like you too. She'd have the best laugh in the world and she'd have me wrapped around her pinky finger, just like her mom does."

"I wonder if she'd be into boys yet."

"Probably. And giving me a heart attack because of it."

"Would she have liked dancing or preferred soccer, or none of the above?" Sam wondered. "Could she have grown up to be a doctor or a scientist - someone who found the cure for cancer? Or maybe she would have been the first female president of the United States… We just don't know do we, Jason? Because she's not here. She should be, but she's not. She's gone and I miss her every day, especially today, on what should have been her birthday."

Tears spilled down Sam's face. Jason reached out to gently dab at them with the pads of his thumbs. "I know, honey. I wish she was here too."

"I'm sorry," Sam whispered. "I am sorry every year that I get like this. I mean, I have so much to be thankful for - two beautiful, living children; a home; a wonderful husband; an incredible job - and yet… I still miss her."

"Hey, hey. You don't ever have to apologize to me for feeling the way you do. You lost someone incredibly precious to you… Your firstborn. No one expects you to get over it, Sam. At least I certainly don't."

"Th-thanks," she cried, hugging her body tightly to his for a long time. She would be okay. She _had_ to be.

The sound of an infant's cries split the silence of the house. Sam lifted her head to look at her husband. "Scout's awake," she said. "It sounds like her 'I'm wet and want to be fed and cuddled' cry."

"I'll go get her," Jason said. He started to climb out of bed but Sam grabbed for his hand, pulling him to a stop.

"It's okay. I'll do it. I need to hold Scout… feel her warm little body against mine. I need to look into her big brown eyes and remember how fortunate I am to have this life that I do."

"Okay. I'll start getting breakfast on the table then."

"Thanks, Jason."

"Of course, Sam… Hey, you know I love you, right?"

Sam nodded. "I know. It feels amazing." She rose up on her kneecaps on the mattress to give him a soft kiss on the lips. "And I love you too."

Sam climbed off of the bed and padded down the hall to the nursery. She pushed back the door; her eyes immediately riveted on her little girl. Sticky tear tracks stained Scout's alabaster cheeks.

"Hey, sweetheart. It's okay. Mommy's here for you." Sam carefully picked up the squirming baby and tucked her against her chest, patting her back gently as she moved them over to the changing table.

Sam laid the baby on the changing table and started peeling off her damp onesie. "You're all wet," she said. "No wonder you're upset. Let's fix you right up, okay?"

Sam changed Scout's diaper and dressed her in a warm pink jumper. She cleaned her own hands on several sanitary wipes and then moved to the rocking chair by the big picture window. Settling into it, she carefully bunched up Jason's baggy tee-shirt, the one she always liked to wear, and began to nurse her daughter. Sam feathered her fingers in the baby's soft, flaxen hair as she fed her. Sam treasured this moment - this was what tranquility and closeness felt like. _If only she'd had these kinds of bonding moments with her first daughter..._

Scout fell back to sleep all too soon. Sam kissed her pink forehead and carried her back to her crib, settling her inside. Sam tucked a soft, plush, yellow blanket around the baby. Scout's head lolled to the side and soft snores emitted from her lips. Sam stayed there for a long time, elbows to railing, just watching her little miracle sleeping so peacefully; so far away from all of the cares of the adult world.

Eventually, Sam picked up the baby monitor and turned it on. She slowly backed out of the nursery, leaving the door slightly ajar. She started towards the staircase just as Danny came out of his room.

"Hey, Mommy," he greeted her, rubbing his sleepy eyes.

"Hey, sweetheart," Sam said. "What are you doing up so early?"

Danny moved to take Sam's free hand and Sam cherished the moment. "Scout woke me up. I heard her crying a bit ago," he explained.

"Yes. She needed a diaper change and something to eat." She smiled at her son. "Your daddy's making breakfast for us."

"What are we having?" Danny asked.

"I don't know. Let's go find out."

They descended the stairs together and moved for the dining room. Jason came out of the kitchen looking entirely too handsome and domestic even, with a white hand towel draped over his broad shoulder. He carried a frying pan full of scrambled eggs.

"Hey, Daddy," Danny greeted him.

Jason smiled. "Hey, slugger." He looked between his son and Sam. "Come and eat, you two. There's lots of food - eggs, waffles, bacon…"

"Yummy!" Danny crowed, rubbing his little belly. He climbed into his seat at the table. Jason helped him to put eggs on his plate and spread butter and syrup on his waffles.

Jason turned to look at Sam. "And what's your pleasure?" He asked, as he sat across from her.

Sam shrugged. "It all looks delicious but I don't have much of an appetite today," she said.

"Come on, Sam. You have to keep up your strength," Jason said gently. "How about two waffles and some eggs?"

Sam sighed. "One waffle and a strip of bacon?" She bargained.

Jason nodded. "Deal." He passed her a waffle and she smeared some syrup on it although the thought of eating made her feel vaguely ill. She still felt sad which meant her appetite was nil. Meanwhile, her son was ripping into his own breakfast with gusto.

She felt Jason's watchful eyes following her as she speared a piece of waffle on her fork and took a small bite. "Mmmmm," she said. "It's good."

"Yes," Danny agreed. "Daddy's the best cook ever!"

"Well, I don't know about that," Jason said modestly.

"It's true," Danny said. He looked at Sam. "You make good stuff too though, Mommy."

"I do?"

"Yes, your peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are so good cause you remember to cut the crusts off."

"Well, even I can't mess that up," Sam said quietly.

"You're a good Mom," Danny said. He looked at Jason. "And you're a good Dad."

"Thanks, Slugger," Jason said.

"Yes, thank you," Sam murmured. "It's exactly what I needed to hear today."

Danny peered at his mom curiously now. "Mommy, your eyes look all red. Have you been crying?"

Jason looked between them. "Actually, I _was_ crying," Sam admitted. She felt that she needed to be honest here. "It's been a trying day."

"But the day just started," Danny pointed out.

"Well... " Sam sighed. She looked at Jason for confirmation. He slowly nodded at her. "I am remembering someone special that I lost several years ago today."

"Who?"

Sam's eyes welled with fresh tears and she held out her arms to her son. "Come here, baby," she said.

Danny nodded and dutifully pushed away from the table, moving over to his mom and crawling onto her lap. He turned to face her. "What's wrong?" He asked.

"Your daddy and I talked about how we were going to tell you this, but we never officially decided... So I guess I can only pray you're old enough to understand."

"Understand what?" Danny asked.

Sam and Jason's eyes met. Jason offered her an encouraging smile. "Danny, thirteen years today, long before you were born, I gave birth to a little girl."

"You did?" Danny's eyes went wide. "You had another baby before me and Scout?"

"Uh huh," Sam said. Her heart clenched painfully.

"But where is she?"

Sam stroked Danny's cheek gently. "She's gone, Danny. She - she died."

Danny blinked in surprise. Sam glanced at Jason as a tear ran down her cheek. "I believe she would have loved you and Scout so much."

"How did she die?"

"That's a long story that we'll tell you _someday,"_ Jason piped up.

"What was her name?" Danny asked.

"Lila… After my grandmother."

"Oh. Wow."

"I really believe little Lila is up in heaven watching out for us," Sam said. "She's part of the reason you're here today; because she brought your daddy and me together."

"I am glad she did that," Danny said.

"Me too," Sam whispered hoarsely.

"Me three," Jason said. He reached out and thumbed the back of Sam's hand. She offered him a watery smile.

"I wish I had met her," Danny said.

"I know what you mean."

Danny threw his arms around Sam. "I love you, Mommy!" He said. "Don't be too sad anymore, okay? Because Lila; I know she would have loved you, just like me, Daddy and Scout do."

"Thanks for saying that, Danny." Sam sniffled. "I am so happy to be your Mom. So, so happy. And having you hug me so tight … Well, it's just what I needed on today of all days."

Xoxoxo

Sam and Jason saw Danny off to private school after he gave them both huge hugs. They pushed Scout in her stroller as they left the small campus. Scout was slumbering in her seat, sucking on her thumb. Sam just smiled at the sight and leaned close to Jason as they walked.

"We'd better get Scout over to my mom's," Sam said. "After all, work stops for no one."

"Actually it does. You know, being that we're the bosses and all." Jason tucked his arm around her. "I cancelled all of our appointments for the rest of the week."

"Jason…"

"I know we're new in this media business, but we need this time together more than we need investors, or clients, or sales figures. We need this time as a family."

"Thank you. God, how do you always know what I need before I even say it?"

"I'm just lucky that way."

"No, you're _amazing_ that way. You know me so well; better than anyone ever will." She rose up to give him a soft kiss on the lips. "Do you think we could visit Lila today?"

"Of course," Jason said. "I was kind of hoping we would actually."

"Okay, good. I want to keep Scout with us today. I'll call my mom and tell her tomorrow would be a better day for Scout to visit the Lakehouse."

"Alright." Jason watched as Sam fished her cell from the pocket of her leather jacket and pressed in Alexis's number on speed-dial.

Alexis picked up on the second ring. "Sam?" She said.

"Yes. Hi, mom."

"Hey, baby. How are you doing today?"

"I'm ...coping," Sam said. "I've got my family here and that's what I need."

"Today is baby Lila's birthday."

"Yes." Sam's eyes became dewy. "It is. I am glad you remembered."

"I'll never forget."

"Me either … Anyway, I am calling because Jason and I would like to keep Scout for the day, if that's okay."

"Of course it's okay. She's your baby."

"Yes, she is," Sam said, glancing at the baby who was still contentedly snoozing with her thumb firmly planted in her cheek.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"No, Mom, you're doing it just by remembering what today means to me."

"Of course I remember. She was my first grandchild… I will never forget her, Sam - or the sacrifice you made to save Kristina's life."

Sam bit her lip for a moment. "I was glad to help."

"That was an amazing gift, baby girl. Kristina and I will never forget it or stop being thankful for it."

"Of course." She looked at Jason. "Well, I'd better go. We're off to visit Lila's grave."

"Okay. I promise I'll go by and put some lilies on Lila's gravestone later today."

"Thanks, Mom."

"No, thank _you._ I love you, sweetheart."

"I love you too."

xoxoxox

Jason and Sam stopped at a small flower shop they knew of in town to purchase roses for Lila's grave. Jason pushed Scout's stroller as they wound through the long rows of graves. Sam couldn't avert her eyes. Most of these people had lived long lives, probably accomplished some important things, had children and friends - things Lila never would have. Sam buried her face in the flowers, inhaling the subtle, sweet fragrance of them. She told herself should would not cry again but it seemed to be an impossible feat.

They reached the gravestone with the words "Baby Girl McCall" etched on it. It tugged at her heart. They'd never officially named her daughter, but in Sam's mind, she was always going to be little Lila.

Sam put the flowers on the packed, hard earth, and knelt in front of the stone. Jason locked the wheels on the stroller and joined her on the ground, tucking his arms around her waist.

"Hey, Lila, sweetheart," Sam said hoarsely. "Mommy's here. Although, Mommy … Well, you'd probably just call me 'Mom' now, huh… if you were here. You'd be so grown up. _Thirteen._ You'd have your whole life in front of you and I am so sorry you never got to experience it; never got to feel joy, or peace... I miss you. I love you. And I know Jason here feels the same way."

Jason's eyes were downcast in reverence. "I do. I'll never stop being thankful to you, Lila. For bringing your mother into my life."

Sam's fingers slid over the hard granite of the tombstone, tracing the curve of the mocking name "Baby Girl Morgan."

They heard a little gurgling at their side and turned to see Scout peering up at them with those impossibly round, chocolate-brown eyes of hers. Jason smiled. "Hey, look who's awake. Our little Scout. I think we should introduce her to Lila, don't you, Sam?"

"I do," Sam agreed. She watched Jason carefully undo the safety restraints holding Scout in place. He lifted her into his muscular arms. He held her briefly above his head and cooed up at her. She giggled and Sam's heart felt a little freer; a little less pained. She knew Jason would have done those things for Lila too - held her, and rocked her, and played with her ... Basically, he would have made her feel like the most special kid in the world. Sam loved him all the more for it.

Jason settled Scout into Sam's lap and she rested her chin very lightly against the top of the infant's head. She lifted one of Scout's chubby hands and traced the curve of Scout's tiny fingers, something she'd never gotten to do with her Lila.

"Lila," Sam said quietly. "There is someone here I want you to meet… Your sister, Scout. Her full name is Emily Scout Morgan but we just refer to her as Scout, our Scout. She's adorable, Lila, and I like to think you too would have adored each other. In fact, I know you would have. I know it in my heart." She hugged Scout to her and the baby responded by knotting her fingers in Sam's long, wavy locks of hair. "She's amazing, Lila. We're so lucky to have her. I believe you are her and your brother Danny's guardian angel. You somehow saw that they came to me safely, didn't you? I will never forget you. You'll always be my firstborn and you'll always mean so much to me...Thank you, Lila, for letting me be apart of your world, even just for eight short months."

Sam's eyes burned, tears spilling down her face. Jason reached out to gently dab at her face once again. He leaned in and kissed her forehead. His lips felt soft and warm on her skin. "She was a good girl," Jason murmured. "I loved her too."

"I know," Sam said. "In every way that matters, you were her father. She would have come to you when she was hurt or scared or wanting attention; not any other man. You were her daddy, Jason. And I thank you so much for taking care of both of us."

"I wanted to, Sam. I know I started out with the intention of protecting Sonny and Carly, but I came to realize how much you both meant to me. If I could bring Lila back…"

"I know." Sam smiled, the saltiness of her tears tingling her lips. "But you can't... The truth is, you've given me so much. Never, ever doubt that I love you and that I love our kids." She looked at the headstone. _"All_ of them."

"I know."

Jason snuggled her and Scout to his side. Scout played patty-cake with his cheek, touching his beard and laughing at the feel of the coarse hair under her fingers. Sam just sat and marveled over how lucky she was. She was amazed that a little girl who had never even taken her first breath, could somehow have still changed the world for the better.  
 _  
Baby Lila would never be forgotten._

 **the end.**

 **I hope my fellow Jasammers liked this. Feedback and favorites are appreciated!**


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